Thursday, August 21, 2014

Fear and Freedom

I will be honest, I'm not really sure where I am going with this today.  I know how I feel and what I am going thru, but I also know what the Lord is speaking to my heart.  This may turn into a "mini-series" or just a one time thought - I will let God be the driver and I am going to be His passenger, His student.

You know some of the tidbits with what we are currently going thru.  Fear of the unknown is definitely a major struggle right now.  I was going to list a few of the other fears I am currently battling, but I think they all fall under the heading of the "unknown".
   *Finances - As the money manager of the family, the one that pays the bills - I know that we aren't making enough to pay all of our bills.  It just seems like more and more "things" are popping up at a time when we don't need them too - $500 on Dixie at the vet, new tires and a new windshield are desperately needed for my car, the taxes and tags on both cars are due, and having to go in a couple of weeks to the dermatologist (specialty co-pay).  It just seems like it is never ending right now.
   *Church - Aaron is ready to start "talking" and negotiating with a church to pastor, but I am honestly just not there.  After everything that we have been thru, I just don't want it.  Right now, I just want to go to Church and worship and praise and basically be a nobody in a sea of believers.  Is that so wrong?  How do I communicate this to my husband without hurting him bad.  After New Hope, I just need healing from "church people".  I know that sounds stereotypical and like I am throwing all Christians into that group, but I'm not.  I'm talking about the ones that church is a performance - it's all an act and there's no true worship - that's what I don't want and can't handle right now.
   *Friends - After going thru everything at New Hope & Warwick in the past - I just want TRUE friends.  I would prefer to have Christian friends, but I want it to be people that I can truly be myself with and not be "the pastor's wife".  I want people that are real and honest.
   *Life - Not knowing where we are going to be living in a few months, when we are going to have children, when we get to go on vacation, etc.  It's all just really driving me crazy right now.  I want to know now!!  I want a clear cut path on how to get from point A to point B.  I'm not getting any younger and I feel like my adult life so far has been a waste of time and money.

As you can tell, I am just really struggling.

Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." (NIV)

Lord, Help me!   Help me dear Lord to put all of my faith and trust in You.  Help me to see Your Face, Wisdom, and Guidance in all that I do instead of trying to handle everything on my own and making more of mess than I am already in.  Thank you Jesus for not turning Your back on me, even though I have forsaken You many times over.  Lord, please ease and soothe these anxieties.  Be the soothing balm that only You can be.  Guide me and direct me Dear Lord.  Speak to me like You've never spoken to me before.  Most importantly, Lord, thank You for loving me unconditionally and dying for me!  In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

What next?

As I sit here with tear clouded eyes and heavy heart and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I realize how much I have been back sliding.  Yes, we are in a valley right now - a very low place.  Yes, I know that God has a master plan far greater than anything I can imagine.  But all of that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for myself and for the situation that we are in.  And honestly, I know it is during this time that I need to be turning to Him even more, and I have been doing the opposite - I have been trying to handle everything on my own.  I haven't let God be the umbrella in my storm.

Psalm 147:5, "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." (NIV)  

I know of the power of my King & Savior and I haven't been allowing Him to work His power and receive the glory and praise due His name.  Things have been so difficult and stressful lately.  It has been a while since my last post and a lot has changed.  On June 24th, Aaron turned his resignation.  His hand was really forced.  With  no severance and losing our housing, everything has taken a major hit - life in general, emotions, bank balances, and credit card debt.  Once again the baby journey has been put on the back burner.  In the last couple of weeks Aaron has gotten a temporary job that he absolutely hates working 6 days a week.  I am truly grateful that he is doing this, but unfortunately it's still not enough to make ends meet.  I just don't know what to do.  For those of you that don't know, I do work a full time job.  I am currently trying to find a job just working Saturdays to help financially.  So far, I'm not having very much luck.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that God would open that door and place where He wants me.

On a more positive note - Aaron and I visited a new church on Sunday and I really enjoyed it a lot.   It is a contemporary service and style and I immediately felt at home.  It is different having my husband sitting beside me during a worship service instead of preaching, but sometimes I just need him right there worshiping with me.  It was very nice and we will definitely be back.  Having lost my Ladies Bible Study and church friends, I really need a church home where I can truly worship, be fed, and hopefully meet and make true Christian friends - not fake people.  Please be in prayer for that too.  My heart and life truly needs a couple of good Christian friends.  It would be even better if Aaron and I could find one or two couples to become friends with.

Well, I guess I better shut up for now!  Thank you for reminding me Lord that You never leave me alone and that while I am waiting in this storm, I need to be diligently serving and worshiping You while I am waiting for this storm to pass!  Much Love!!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Left or Right?!?!

I am having one of those conflicting days.  The devil is really on my back this morning.  I see something positive that uplifts me and then the devil throws a wrench in those plans and makes me question "Why not me?"

I am going to run with that thought for a minute.  No, I'm not going to let the devil win, just bear with me, I think you will like where the Lord is leading me with this.  Why not me Lord?  Why do everyone else's dreams get to come true except for mine?  Why do other ministry couples get to have fruitful ministries?  Why can't I have the perfect body?  Why can't I have a healthy body?  Why can't I run a 10 minute mile?  Why can't I make more money?  Why can't I afford to do things that I desire?  Why can't I have a baby?  Why can't I make all of Aaron's dreams come true?  Why can't I speak eloquent words?  Why can't I write beautiful blogs?  Why can't I do this and why can't I do that?  You know it's normal for Christians to feel like this sometimes.  It's how we handle these questions that either draws us closer to the Lord or lets the devil win.  It's time like this when I have to listen to the promises of the Lord.  In Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord makes a promise to me that soothes my soul - "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to to give you hope and a future."  This tells me that His plan and mine aren't currently aligned.  Now it's time for me to turn to Him and seek His face and ask Him to show me the way, to guide down the path that He has set just for me - and ask Him to help me follow His plan for my life.  When I do that, my dreams will align with His and will come to fruition.

There is so much to be heard about prayer - sermons, scripture, devotions, hymns, songs - but why don't we listen?  Why do we chose to handle so much in this world on our own instead of turning to Him first.  My Proverbs 31 devotion talked about that this morning.  When is it something major, we turn to Him to him first, but the little stuff we try to handle on our own and only turn to Him once we become completely exasperated and feel like we are at our wit's end.

Lord, my desire is to turn to You in all things.  Help me to have a humble heart.  Help me dear Lord to seek You first.  Lord, fill my heart like You have never filled me before.  Guide and direct me Lord.  Show me the path and guide me dear Lord.  Help me to follow the plans that you have set for me.  Lord, I know the future is uncertain for us right now, but Lord I know You have plans for us.  Help us to seek You out in this plan.  Help us to follow your guidance.  Lord, help us to glorify Your name, help us to prosper.  Thank You sweet Jesus for the work that I know that you are going to do in our lives.  Thank You for loving me!!

Monday, June 16, 2014

What To Do

"Lord, I don't know what to do.  Lord, I don't know what to say.  Lord, I don't know where to go."
This song is my heart today.
I know in my last post, I told you we were going thru some things at church and we had both been really hurt.  Well, things aren't seeming to get any better.  If anything, it's getting worse.  We both know that it is time to go.  That hurts alot, because we had planned on making this our home - this is where we were going to put down roots and start and raise our family.  It just really hurts. 



"Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you" (Psalm 25:4-5).

"Our soul waiteth for the Lord: He is our help and our shield."  Psalm 33.20. 

Lord, I don't know what to do.  Lord, I don't know which way to turn.  Please Lord, forgive me for trying to be strong and trying to carry this weight on my own.  Forgive me dear Lord, for not turning to you.  Please forgive me Lord for not drawing my strength from you at this time.  Lord, please forgive me, wash me clean oh Lord.  Lord thank you for loving me and saving me.  Lord thank you for never forsaking me.  Lord please guide me and direct me.  Lord please speak to my heart, calm my fears, untie this uneasiness that is all tied up in me.  Calm me and soothe me in a way that only You can do my sweet Jesus.  Lord, I know that I have failed you.  I have failed you so many times.  Oh please forgive me my failures and my sins.  Help me Lord to follow the path that You have set before me.  Help me to stay in the center of your will.  
Lord there is so much uncertainty right now for the future and Lord you know that I don't do well with that.  I am already stressing Lord.  And I know that by not turning to you first that I am making it worse on my self.  Lord, please help me draw from Your strength right now.  Wrap me tight in Your loving arms my sweet Jesus.  Lord I don't know where we are going, but Lord as long as we are running to You and letting You carry us and guide us and direct us, then Lord, I know it will all work out.  Please guide us and speak to us like you never have before Lord.  I know that neither one of us are perfect and that we have broken Your precious heart and hurt You more times than we ever should have.  Oh Lord, please forgive us.  Lord, You know the desires of our heart.  You know our desires to put down roots and start a family.  Lord, You also know that in the last two moves that I have been selfish and made the demands on Aaron to keep me within a hour of CBC and Lord, now I have to truly question was that Your Will?  Are we in the position that we are in because I didn't follow Your Will but my own heart?  Oh Lord, I am so so sorry.  Please forgive me Lord.  Strengthen me Lord.  Guide me and Direct me Lord.  Speak to me as You have never spoken to me before.  Please Lord help me to keep from failing You but also from failing Aaron.  Lord, you know how much I love my job, but Lord today, I turn that all over to You.  Lord, if it is your desire to put us elsewhere, Lord I know that it's Your Will and that as long as I stay faithful to You, we will thrive.  Lord, put us in a place to thrive.  Lord, my heart desires to see Aaron thrive in ministry.  And Lord I now realize that he may not be thriving because of my own selfishness.  Oh Lord, how I have failed you both miserably.  Please forgive me Lord.  Lord, work in us like you never have before.   Lord, truly guide us and direct us.  Speak to us Lord.  Help us to be Your willing humble servants and vessels.  Help us to thrive Lord.  Lord, help me to BELIEVE!!
I love you Lord!! In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Stumbling Blocks

Is it just me or is 2014 flying by way too fast?!?!?  I knew that it had been a while since I have posted, but I had no idea it has been 3.5 months.  Here's a quick catch up of what's been going on:
   *At the end of January, Dr Knuckles took me off carbs.  Trying to get all the blood work back in normal levels and get my body ready to fight to get pregnant.  It's been a tough journey and really hard, but we are getting there.  I went last week to get blood work done again, I am down 12 pounds in the last 3 months and have had to come off of my blood pressure medicine because it has dropped.  I go back next week to get the results.
   *I had an HSG in February and it shows no blockages in my tubes.  Aaron has to get tested next.  Once we get past that if we aren't pregnant in a year, then she is going to go in and check for sterility on me.
   *We are having some tough go of things at church, but we are working thru them.  It's been tough and we have been tremendously hurt in the process, but we are standing steadfast and firm in the truth.  If anything, it has brought Aaron and I closer.  Just when I think we are as close as two married people can be, the Lord just shows us more and more that He made us for each other.
   *It has not been a good few months health wise.  We both got the flu in February.  I was out of work a week and half.  Had to go to the hospital after a week because I could not breathe or walk - was severely dehydrated.  It honestly took me until the middle of April for me to get back to feeling like me.


I went thru a spell beginning in February where I didn't want to read to my Bible, or my Bible Study Book, or honestly do much of anything.  I felt like my spiritual well had dried up.  There was no desire, no motivation - I was just blank and empty. I quit going to my Bible Study.  I needed time to work on me.  Well instead of working on me, I just sank deeper and deeper.  Maybe that is why things have happened the way they have, if for no other reason than to reinvigorate me and pull me up.  I am getting there, I am not fully there yet, not even halfway there, but I am slowly starting to hear the Lord speak to me again.  I will get there, I BELIEVE in it. 

Coming back today and rereading the last post has also been an eye opener.  In losing everything else, I also lost "Believe", but I have it back!!  What lead me back today, was my devotional email from Proverbs 31.  It was by Shelene Baker and was about saying yes to God and letting Him lead you on an adventure.  Have I truly been following God?  Have I truly stepped forward when He asked me to?  Have I jumped out of total belief knowing that He is there?  It really woke me up and I will be ordering the book "Love Skip Jump".  I have one of those perpetual calendars on my desk with a daily verse and today's verse goes so perfectly with everything that I have been experiencing.  "As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30.

Here is the prayer that was at the end of that devotional:


Lord, help me recognize Your voice when You call. Help me recognize Your trustworthy character and trust that You have my best interests in mind. Burn into my heart the desire to do the tasks You want me to accomplish for You. Give me the strength and courage to take the first step toward what You want me to do. In His Name, Amen.

I know some of this has been heavy, so I am going to leave you with that prayer.  Know that with God all things are possible.  Believe in it!!  

Love and Prayers!!! 

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Believe

I have a very good friend that mentioned to me she has a word of the year.  I can honestly say that I had never heard of this before.  Then, I noticed that one of my very favorite authors, who is a Christian and writes some devotions, posted on her facebook that she has a word of the year.  A couple of days later, one of my online devotions mentioned a word of the year and even encouraged those who had never had a word of the year to pray to God and ask Him to lay a word on your heart.  Well I did and my word was believe.

And you know me, I had to question the Lord, why believe?  Lord, You know I believe in You.  Why would you give me the word believe.  His answer surprised and shocked me.  He said, you have to learn to believe in yourself, you have to learn to believe in your dreams, you have to learn to believe in your life.  Then He continued with, you know the verses, "Be still and know that I am God" and "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me" and you know that I answers prayers; but there is a difference in knowing in believing.  WOW!  Talk about the Lord slapping you in the face with a wake up call.  For further confirmation, the next day a very good friend of mine sent me her devotional for the day.  It was on bold prayers.  It asked a simple question, do you pray boldly or conservatively?  Then went on to describe some great people in the bible who prayed audaciously with a bold faith.  After reading that, the Lord spoke to me again.  He said when you believe in your prayers and yourself, you will begin to pray audaciously with a bold faith.  My greatest desire is for you to pray like that to Me.  The Lord actually wants little ole me, to pray audaciously to Him?!?!  What a great and joyful gift!  That makes me want to get up and shout to the top lungs, my God wants me to pray to Him audaciously!!

We are taking a journey thru the year with believe this year.  I hope you will enjoy taking this journey with me!!

Lots of love!!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Why Perfection??

WHY DO I DEMAND PERFECTION?!?!?!?!

The book that my Ladie's Bible Study is currently going thru is "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World".  I never realized how much I need this study until tonight....

What happened you ask?

Well....One of the things on my agenda for today was to take the Christmas tree down and get the living room back set up like it was.  Well, all Christmas long, I have wanted a picture of Dixie in front of the Christmas tree.  Actually, the whole time that we have been married I have wanted a picture of the 3 of us in front of the tree, but it never happens.  Well tonight, it was just Dixie and I at the house & without Aaron here to distract her, I just new it was the perfect (there goes that word) time to do it.  Well, I take her regular necklace (collar) off and put her Christmas bell necklace on and try to get her to sit in front of the tree.  It took a whole lot to get her to stay there, but she wouldn't give me that perfect look.  So what do I do?  I lost it.  When I say I lost it, I mean I really lost it.  I started screaming and hollering and yes, I will admit it, I even cussed at her.  Why?  Because she wouldn't give me the perfection, that I demanded.

That really got me thinking.  Why do I demand perfection of others?  And I know that I do.  Everything is supposed to be how my mind thinks it should be.  I don't allow room for mistakes, I want everything absolutely perfect.  And when it's not, I lose it.  Why?  All it does it gets me upset and gets everyone around me upset.

In between the tears it really got me thinking, why do I demand perfection of others, when I don't do my best to be and give perfection to those around me.  There is only one perfect person in this world & He doesn't demand perfection.  He demands love, but not perfection.  He wants to try to be perfect in building a relationship with Him, but I always put Him on the back burner and give Him the little snippets & scraps I have left at the end of the day.

I know that I am wrong.  One of my focus goals for the year, is to try to quit being so hard on others - to realize that I don't give perfection of myself to others & I can't demand something of them that I'm not in turn giving to them.  I need a calmer heart.  I need a heart that is ready to accept others flaws, mistakes, and mishaps.  Please pray along with me that God will guide my heart into this direction while at the same time He demands perfection of me in my time and relationship with Him.

Today has been a choppy ride, but hopefully there will be some days of smoother sailing up ahead.  Much love to you and yours!!