I will be honest, I'm not really sure where I am going with this today. I know how I feel and what I am going thru, but I also know what the Lord is speaking to my heart. This may turn into a "mini-series" or just a one time thought - I will let God be the driver and I am going to be His passenger, His student.
You know some of the tidbits with what we are currently going thru. Fear of the unknown is definitely a major struggle right now. I was going to list a few of the other fears I am currently battling, but I think they all fall under the heading of the "unknown".
*Finances - As the money manager of the family, the one that pays the bills - I know that we aren't making enough to pay all of our bills. It just seems like more and more "things" are popping up at a time when we don't need them too - $500 on Dixie at the vet, new tires and a new windshield are desperately needed for my car, the taxes and tags on both cars are due, and having to go in a couple of weeks to the dermatologist (specialty co-pay). It just seems like it is never ending right now.
*Church - Aaron is ready to start "talking" and negotiating with a church to pastor, but I am honestly just not there. After everything that we have been thru, I just don't want it. Right now, I just want to go to Church and worship and praise and basically be a nobody in a sea of believers. Is that so wrong? How do I communicate this to my husband without hurting him bad. After New Hope, I just need healing from "church people". I know that sounds stereotypical and like I am throwing all Christians into that group, but I'm not. I'm talking about the ones that church is a performance - it's all an act and there's no true worship - that's what I don't want and can't handle right now.
*Friends - After going thru everything at New Hope & Warwick in the past - I just want TRUE friends. I would prefer to have Christian friends, but I want it to be people that I can truly be myself with and not be "the pastor's wife". I want people that are real and honest.
*Life - Not knowing where we are going to be living in a few months, when we are going to have children, when we get to go on vacation, etc. It's all just really driving me crazy right now. I want to know now!! I want a clear cut path on how to get from point A to point B. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like my adult life so far has been a waste of time and money.
As you can tell, I am just really struggling.
56:3, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." (NIV)
Lord, Help me! Help me dear Lord to put all of my faith and trust in You. Help me to see Your Face, Wisdom, and Guidance in all that I do instead of trying to handle everything on my own and making more of mess than I am already in. Thank you Jesus for not turning Your back on me, even though I have forsaken You many times over. Lord, please ease and soothe these anxieties. Be the soothing balm that only You can be. Guide me and direct me Dear Lord. Speak to me like You've never spoken to me before. Most importantly, Lord, thank You for loving me unconditionally and dying for me! In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen.