Thursday, August 21, 2014

Fear and Freedom

I will be honest, I'm not really sure where I am going with this today.  I know how I feel and what I am going thru, but I also know what the Lord is speaking to my heart.  This may turn into a "mini-series" or just a one time thought - I will let God be the driver and I am going to be His passenger, His student.

You know some of the tidbits with what we are currently going thru.  Fear of the unknown is definitely a major struggle right now.  I was going to list a few of the other fears I am currently battling, but I think they all fall under the heading of the "unknown".
   *Finances - As the money manager of the family, the one that pays the bills - I know that we aren't making enough to pay all of our bills.  It just seems like more and more "things" are popping up at a time when we don't need them too - $500 on Dixie at the vet, new tires and a new windshield are desperately needed for my car, the taxes and tags on both cars are due, and having to go in a couple of weeks to the dermatologist (specialty co-pay).  It just seems like it is never ending right now.
   *Church - Aaron is ready to start "talking" and negotiating with a church to pastor, but I am honestly just not there.  After everything that we have been thru, I just don't want it.  Right now, I just want to go to Church and worship and praise and basically be a nobody in a sea of believers.  Is that so wrong?  How do I communicate this to my husband without hurting him bad.  After New Hope, I just need healing from "church people".  I know that sounds stereotypical and like I am throwing all Christians into that group, but I'm not.  I'm talking about the ones that church is a performance - it's all an act and there's no true worship - that's what I don't want and can't handle right now.
   *Friends - After going thru everything at New Hope & Warwick in the past - I just want TRUE friends.  I would prefer to have Christian friends, but I want it to be people that I can truly be myself with and not be "the pastor's wife".  I want people that are real and honest.
   *Life - Not knowing where we are going to be living in a few months, when we are going to have children, when we get to go on vacation, etc.  It's all just really driving me crazy right now.  I want to know now!!  I want a clear cut path on how to get from point A to point B.  I'm not getting any younger and I feel like my adult life so far has been a waste of time and money.

As you can tell, I am just really struggling.

Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." (NIV)

Lord, Help me!   Help me dear Lord to put all of my faith and trust in You.  Help me to see Your Face, Wisdom, and Guidance in all that I do instead of trying to handle everything on my own and making more of mess than I am already in.  Thank you Jesus for not turning Your back on me, even though I have forsaken You many times over.  Lord, please ease and soothe these anxieties.  Be the soothing balm that only You can be.  Guide me and direct me Dear Lord.  Speak to me like You've never spoken to me before.  Most importantly, Lord, thank You for loving me unconditionally and dying for me!  In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

What next?

As I sit here with tear clouded eyes and heavy heart and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I realize how much I have been back sliding.  Yes, we are in a valley right now - a very low place.  Yes, I know that God has a master plan far greater than anything I can imagine.  But all of that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for myself and for the situation that we are in.  And honestly, I know it is during this time that I need to be turning to Him even more, and I have been doing the opposite - I have been trying to handle everything on my own.  I haven't let God be the umbrella in my storm.

Psalm 147:5, "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." (NIV)  

I know of the power of my King & Savior and I haven't been allowing Him to work His power and receive the glory and praise due His name.  Things have been so difficult and stressful lately.  It has been a while since my last post and a lot has changed.  On June 24th, Aaron turned his resignation.  His hand was really forced.  With  no severance and losing our housing, everything has taken a major hit - life in general, emotions, bank balances, and credit card debt.  Once again the baby journey has been put on the back burner.  In the last couple of weeks Aaron has gotten a temporary job that he absolutely hates working 6 days a week.  I am truly grateful that he is doing this, but unfortunately it's still not enough to make ends meet.  I just don't know what to do.  For those of you that don't know, I do work a full time job.  I am currently trying to find a job just working Saturdays to help financially.  So far, I'm not having very much luck.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that God would open that door and place where He wants me.

On a more positive note - Aaron and I visited a new church on Sunday and I really enjoyed it a lot.   It is a contemporary service and style and I immediately felt at home.  It is different having my husband sitting beside me during a worship service instead of preaching, but sometimes I just need him right there worshiping with me.  It was very nice and we will definitely be back.  Having lost my Ladies Bible Study and church friends, I really need a church home where I can truly worship, be fed, and hopefully meet and make true Christian friends - not fake people.  Please be in prayer for that too.  My heart and life truly needs a couple of good Christian friends.  It would be even better if Aaron and I could find one or two couples to become friends with.

Well, I guess I better shut up for now!  Thank you for reminding me Lord that You never leave me alone and that while I am waiting in this storm, I need to be diligently serving and worshiping You while I am waiting for this storm to pass!  Much Love!!