Symbol or True Belief

I was reading a blog this morning and the author simply states that the cross has "become a symbol of religion or simple spirituality".  We wear cross jewelry and have cross artwork in our homes and in our offices, but does that cross simply represent our spirituality or do we stop and think about the cross and the forgiveness and love of God that should flood our hearts and thoughts every time we see it?

I will be completely honest.....I have a small cross hanging on the wall in my office at work, I have cross artwork hanging in my home and I have cross jewelry.  But you know....all of it has just become part of my normal routine.  All I have to do is look up from my computer screen and see the cross hanging on the wall, but do I?  It has been hanging there for so long that I honestly don't even think about it.  That is heartbreaking.  I should be looking at this cross multiple times a day thanking Jesus for His love and forgiveness.  I should be looking at this cross and reflecting instead of letting it be a simple adornment.

What if that's all that we became to Jesus.....just a simple adornment that He noticed occasionally? That would totally shake and break everything we as Christians believe in.

No wonder my life feels like it is falling apart.  My Savior, my hope and my glory in Heaven have become a simple adornment.

Father, Please forgive me for taking Your love and forgiveness, Your sacrifice for granted.  Forgive me Father for treating you as a simple adornment that it just part of life and routine.  You are the giver of my life Father and I should treat You as such.  Please Father, help me to get on the right path, Father help me to live for You, to seek Your will for my life.  Father, please fill this emptiness and loneliness inside me with Your perfect love and Holy Spirit.  Father, please wash and cleanse me.  Guide me and direct me.  Forgive me my sweet Jesus!

Whirlwind Year

Until Aaron started talking about blogging tonight, I didn't realize that it has been over a year since we last chatted!  That really makes my heart sad!  And honestly, when rereading my last post (from 16 months ago) I still find myself stuck in almost the same place :(

I will say that this has been a very hard year for us, but at the same time that has truly made us realize what we have to be grateful and thankful for.  We have really learned the value of our life and relationship with each other.  Aaron had a stroke in January.  It was a true wake up call to us both to say the very least.  He has recovered and no one would ever know that he had one.  Dixie got a stomach bug that required her to be hospitalized and then got an indolent ulcer on her eye that took over a month to get healed.  I haven't been feeling well myself....been very tired, all I want to is sleep, no drive or desire to do much of anything honestly, but the doctors can't find anything wrong with me.  Its just part of the PCOS and all that it entails.  This year has really woken up so to our own mortality.

We are both trying very hard to live healthier lifestyles.  I am still struggling with my weight.  I joined Fit Body Boot Camp at the end of April.  Can you believe that I go to class at 5 am in the morning!?!?!  I really do love the workouts.  They are tough, but I love it!  Nutrition is still something that I struggle with on a daily basis and it always will be, but I am definitely doing better!

Spiritually, I'm still stuck on that same rock.  I know that I am the only that can get me off of it, but for some reason I have seemed to taken root.    We have been attending church at Covenant for over a year now and I have even joined a small group.  I love my small group ladies!  They have definitely been a blessing to me!

Well, I am going to sign off now because its bedtime....4:15 and that 5 am class come early!!  I will definitely see you soon!!

Update

WOW!  So much time has flown by since I last visited with you!

Here is a quick update on life the last few months....

• Aaron started working at Wilkerson Funeral Home the day before Thanksgiving
• We moved to Greenville over Christmas weekend
• We are adjusting to apartment living - I like our little place :)
• Work has been busy - but you know me - I love it!  The crazier it is, the more I thrive
• We are vising different churches, trying to find that one to call "home"

With the way I am feeling today, I am going to focus on the last update - church.  I just have this feeling like something is missing - and I know what it is - it's that regular contact, not being involved.  It's a little harder with Aaron working every other weekend because that limits the visits we get to make together.

I also know that part of the reason while I feel like that is because I have allowed life to disconnect me from God.  I haven't been reading my Bible, praying, are doing my devotionals.  I listen to my praise and worship music, and yes that lifts me up, but it doesn't have quite the same effect. Today is the first day that I have even opened one of Proverbs 31 email devotionals and I can say, this really speaks to me today.....

Unfinished doesn't equal unworthy!  Unfinished just means we are still growing - God is still working.

 This really got me thinking about all of the "Unfinished" things in my life....

• School - my college degree
• Work - it seems like there is always something that I put off
• Home Projects - there are so many things that are so unfinished I don't know where to start
• Friends - I reach out and start email/text conversations, but when they reply, I don't keep the contact going
• Finances - they are so many things that should be paid off by now, but I don't do it.  
• Health - I start a workout program, but never finish it
• Bible Studies - I start them, but lose wind halfway thru     

Something has to change!  Lord, I know that it starts with me.  I know that You are working in the background, but Lord, I'm taking a step - I am crying out to You dear Lord, work in me!  Lord, You are the potter and I am the clay, mold me and shape dear Lord!  Lord, help us to find that church home, the one where we can grow and thrive.  And Lord, please help us with our financial situation.  I want to enjoy life, I want children, I want a new car, I want to buy a house.  Lord, you know the desires of my heart.  Please Lord, show me the path that You have laid for me.  Lord, please help me to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker.  And Lord, please please help Aaron to quit smoking.  I really don't know how much more of it I can take.  He is literally killing me.  I don't know how to get him to understand that.  Oh dear Lord, please wrap this daughter of yours in Your loving arms right now.  Lord, I need to feel you, I need to hear You oh Jesus.  Lord, work in the unfinished parts of me Jesus.  Forgive me of my sins dear Lord, wash me clean.  Lord, help me to be what you designed me to be.  Help me to find that true calling in my life.  Thank you Lord for loving me and saving me. Thank you for working in me!!  Thank you for the blessings that you have already given me but also for the ones that I have yet to discover/receive.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Cross Roads

Where is the time going?  It is definitely been going way too fast!!  It does NOT seem like it has been 3 months since I last stopped in for a visit.  I really wanted to last Friday - my devotion for the day was really speaking to me - but things were so crazy at work I just didn't make the time.  I did save that devotion and though it's not speaking as strongly, it is still speaking...

Pray like everything depends on God.....because it does.  Here is a little excerpt from that devotion that is so true to me....

Saint Augustine famously said, "Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you." My problem is I usually focus on the second part, work, and forget the most important step: pray. Too often I turn in every direction, looking for answers, instead of turning to the One who has all the answers I'll ever need.

That is so me!  I want to do everything myself....I want to find all of the answers myself and I don't want to wait, I want them right now.  It really hit me because with everything that we have had going on I have needed to lean on God and wear out His ears even more than normal, but have I been doing that....absolutely not!  I have been trying to depend on me (and Aaron) for all of the answers.

I know that I have to start turning to God first for everything, but my human nature keeps telling me that I can handle it all on my own.  I know the truth, the way, & the light....now to follow that path.....

James 5:16b, "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (NIV)

Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)

Fear and Freedom

I will be honest, I'm not really sure where I am going with this today.  I know how I feel and what I am going thru, but I also know what the Lord is speaking to my heart.  This may turn into a "mini-series" or just a one time thought - I will let God be the driver and I am going to be His passenger, His student.

You know some of the tidbits with what we are currently going thru.  Fear of the unknown is definitely a major struggle right now.  I was going to list a few of the other fears I am currently battling, but I think they all fall under the heading of the "unknown".
   *Finances - As the money manager of the family, the one that pays the bills - I know that we aren't making enough to pay all of our bills.  It just seems like more and more "things" are popping up at a time when we don't need them too - $500 on Dixie at the vet, new tires and a new windshield are desperately needed for my car, the taxes and tags on both cars are due, and having to go in a couple of weeks to the dermatologist (specialty co-pay).  It just seems like it is never ending right now.
   *Church - Aaron is ready to start "talking" and negotiating with a church to pastor, but I am honestly just not there.  After everything that we have been thru, I just don't want it.  Right now, I just want to go to Church and worship and praise and basically be a nobody in a sea of believers.  Is that so wrong?  How do I communicate this to my husband without hurting him bad.  After New Hope, I just need healing from "church people".  I know that sounds stereotypical and like I am throwing all Christians into that group, but I'm not.  I'm talking about the ones that church is a performance - it's all an act and there's no true worship - that's what I don't want and can't handle right now.
   *Friends - After going thru everything at New Hope & Warwick in the past - I just want TRUE friends.  I would prefer to have Christian friends, but I want it to be people that I can truly be myself with and not be "the pastor's wife".  I want people that are real and honest.
   *Life - Not knowing where we are going to be living in a few months, when we are going to have children, when we get to go on vacation, etc.  It's all just really driving me crazy right now.  I want to know now!!  I want a clear cut path on how to get from point A to point B.  I'm not getting any younger and I feel like my adult life so far has been a waste of time and money.

As you can tell, I am just really struggling.

Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." (NIV)

Lord, Help me!   Help me dear Lord to put all of my faith and trust in You.  Help me to see Your Face, Wisdom, and Guidance in all that I do instead of trying to handle everything on my own and making more of mess than I am already in.  Thank you Jesus for not turning Your back on me, even though I have forsaken You many times over.  Lord, please ease and soothe these anxieties.  Be the soothing balm that only You can be.  Guide me and direct me Dear Lord.  Speak to me like You've never spoken to me before.  Most importantly, Lord, thank You for loving me unconditionally and dying for me!  In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen.

What next?

As I sit here with tear clouded eyes and heavy heart and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I realize how much I have been back sliding.  Yes, we are in a valley right now - a very low place.  Yes, I know that God has a master plan far greater than anything I can imagine.  But all of that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for myself and for the situation that we are in.  And honestly, I know it is during this time that I need to be turning to Him even more, and I have been doing the opposite - I have been trying to handle everything on my own.  I haven't let God be the umbrella in my storm.

Psalm 147:5, "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." (NIV)  

I know of the power of my King & Savior and I haven't been allowing Him to work His power and receive the glory and praise due His name.  Things have been so difficult and stressful lately.  It has been a while since my last post and a lot has changed.  On June 24th, Aaron turned his resignation.  His hand was really forced.  With  no severance and losing our housing, everything has taken a major hit - life in general, emotions, bank balances, and credit card debt.  Once again the baby journey has been put on the back burner.  In the last couple of weeks Aaron has gotten a temporary job that he absolutely hates working 6 days a week.  I am truly grateful that he is doing this, but unfortunately it's still not enough to make ends meet.  I just don't know what to do.  For those of you that don't know, I do work a full time job.  I am currently trying to find a job just working Saturdays to help financially.  So far, I'm not having very much luck.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that God would open that door and place where He wants me.

On a more positive note - Aaron and I visited a new church on Sunday and I really enjoyed it a lot.   It is a contemporary service and style and I immediately felt at home.  It is different having my husband sitting beside me during a worship service instead of preaching, but sometimes I just need him right there worshiping with me.  It was very nice and we will definitely be back.  Having lost my Ladies Bible Study and church friends, I really need a church home where I can truly worship, be fed, and hopefully meet and make true Christian friends - not fake people.  Please be in prayer for that too.  My heart and life truly needs a couple of good Christian friends.  It would be even better if Aaron and I could find one or two couples to become friends with.

Well, I guess I better shut up for now!  Thank you for reminding me Lord that You never leave me alone and that while I am waiting in this storm, I need to be diligently serving and worshiping You while I am waiting for this storm to pass!  Much Love!!

Left or Right?!?!

I am having one of those conflicting days.  The devil is really on my back this morning.  I see something positive that uplifts me and then the devil throws a wrench in those plans and makes me question "Why not me?"

I am going to run with that thought for a minute.  No, I'm not going to let the devil win, just bear with me, I think you will like where the Lord is leading me with this.  Why not me Lord?  Why do everyone else's dreams get to come true except for mine?  Why do other ministry couples get to have fruitful ministries?  Why can't I have the perfect body?  Why can't I have a healthy body?  Why can't I run a 10 minute mile?  Why can't I make more money?  Why can't I afford to do things that I desire?  Why can't I have a baby?  Why can't I make all of Aaron's dreams come true?  Why can't I speak eloquent words?  Why can't I write beautiful blogs?  Why can't I do this and why can't I do that?  You know it's normal for Christians to feel like this sometimes.  It's how we handle these questions that either draws us closer to the Lord or lets the devil win.  It's time like this when I have to listen to the promises of the Lord.  In Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord makes a promise to me that soothes my soul - "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to to give you hope and a future."  This tells me that His plan and mine aren't currently aligned.  Now it's time for me to turn to Him and seek His face and ask Him to show me the way, to guide down the path that He has set just for me - and ask Him to help me follow His plan for my life.  When I do that, my dreams will align with His and will come to fruition.

There is so much to be heard about prayer - sermons, scripture, devotions, hymns, songs - but why don't we listen?  Why do we chose to handle so much in this world on our own instead of turning to Him first.  My Proverbs 31 devotion talked about that this morning.  When is it something major, we turn to Him to him first, but the little stuff we try to handle on our own and only turn to Him once we become completely exasperated and feel like we are at our wit's end.

Lord, my desire is to turn to You in all things.  Help me to have a humble heart.  Help me dear Lord to seek You first.  Lord, fill my heart like You have never filled me before.  Guide and direct me Lord.  Show me the path and guide me dear Lord.  Help me to follow the plans that you have set for me.  Lord, I know the future is uncertain for us right now, but Lord I know You have plans for us.  Help us to seek You out in this plan.  Help us to follow your guidance.  Lord, help us to glorify Your name, help us to prosper.  Thank You sweet Jesus for the work that I know that you are going to do in our lives.  Thank You for loving me!!